Inferno of Darkness (Order of the Blade) Page 17

  And as a smug grin spread over his face, she knew that he was well aware of exactly how he affected her.

  “Damn you, Ian,” she snapped.

  He grinned more broadly, and she suddenly realized that she’d just laid down a challenge that he was delighted to accept.

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  Kaylie’s hands were shaking as she rifled through her bag, searching for her yoga pants. She needed the low-slung black ones with a light pink stripe down the side. The cuffs were frayed from too many wearings to the grocery store late at night for comfort food, and they were her go-to clothes when she couldn’t cope. Like now.

  She couldn’t find them.

  “Come on!” Kaylie grabbed her other suitcase and dug through it, but they weren’t there. “Stupid pants! I can’t—” A sob caught at her throat and she pressed her palms to her eyes, trying to stifle the swell of grief. “Sara—”

  Her voice was a raw moan of pain, and she sank to the thick shag carpet. She bent over as waves of pain, of loneliness, of utter grief shackled her. For her parents, her brother, her family and now Sara—

  Dear God, she was all alone.

  “Dammit, Kaylie! Get up!” she chided herself. She wrenched herself to her feet. “I can do this.” She grabbed a pair of jeans and a silk blouse off the top of her bag and turned toward the bathroom. One step at a time. A shower would make her feel better.

  She walked into the tiny bathroom, barely noticing the heavy wood door as she stepped inside and flicked the light switch. Two bare light bulbs flared over her head, showing a rustic bathroom with an ancient footed tub and a raw wood vanity with a battered porcelain sink. A tiny round window was on her right. It was small enough to keep out the worst of the cold, but big enough to let in some light and breeze in the summer.

  She was in Alaska, for sure. God, what was she doing here?

  Kaylie tossed the clean clothes on the sink and unzipped her jacket, dropping it on the floor. She tugged all her layers off, including the light blue sweater that had felt so safe this morning when she’d put it on. She stared grimly at her black lace bra, so utterly feminine, exactly the kind of bra that her mother had always considered frivolous and completely impractical. Which it was. Which was why that was the only style Kaylie ever wore.

  She should never have come to Alaska. She didn’t belong here. She couldn’t handle this. Kaylie gripped the edge of the sink. Her hands dug into the wood as she fought against the urge to curl into a ball and cry.

  After a minute, Kaylie lifted her head and looked at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were wide and scared, with dark circles beneath. Her hair was tangled and flattened from her wool hat. There was dirt caked on her cheeks.

  Kaylie rubbed her hand over her chin, and the streaks of mud didn’t come off.

  She tried again, then realized she had smudges all over her neck. She turned on the water, and wet her hands…and saw her hands were covered as well.

  Stunned, Kaylie stared as the water ran over her hands, turning pink as it swirled in the basin.

  Not dirt.

  Sara’s blood.

  “Oh, God.” Kaylie grabbed a bar of soap and began to scrub her hands. But the blood was dried, stuck to her skin. “Get off!” She rubbed frantically, but the blackened crust wouldn’t come off. Her lungs constricted and she couldn’t breathe. “I can’t—”

  The door slammed open, and Cort stood behind her, wearing a T-shirt and jeans.

  The tears burst free at the sight of Cort, and Kaylie held up her hands to him. “I can’t get it off—”

  “I got it.” Cort took her hands and held them under the water, his grip warm and strong. “Take a deep breath, Kaylie. It’s okay.”

  “It’s not. It won’t be.” She leaned her head against his shoulder, closing her eyes as he washed her hands roughly and efficiently. His muscles flexed beneath her cheek, his skin hot through his shirt. Warm. Alive. “Sara’s dead,” she whispered. “My parents. My brother. They’re all gone. The blood—” Sobs broke free again, and she couldn’t stop the trembling.

  “I know. I know, babe.” He pulled her hands out from under the water and grabbed a washcloth. He turned her toward him and began to wash her face and neck.

  His eyes were troubled, his mouth grim. But his hands were gentle where he touched her, gently holding her face still while he scrubbed. His gaze flicked toward hers, and he held contact for a moment, making her want to fall into those brown depths and forget everything. To simply disappear into the energy that was him. “You have to let them go,” he said. “There’s nothing you can do to bring them back—”

  “No.” A deep ache pounded at Kaylie’s chest and her legs felt like they were too weak to support her. “I can’t. Did you see Sara? And Jackson? His throat—” She bent over, clutching her stomach. “I—”

  Cort’s arms were suddenly around her, warm and strong, pulling her against his solid body. Kaylie fell into him, the sobs coming hard, the memories—

  “I know.” Cort’s whisper was soft, his hand in her hair, crushing her against him. “It sucks. Goddamn, it sucks.”

  Kaylie heard his grief in the raw tone of his voice and realized his body was shaking as well. She looked up and saw a rim of red around his eyes, shadows in the hollows of his whiskered cheeks. “You know,” she whispered, knowing with absolute certainty that he did. He understood the grief consuming her.

  “Yeah.” He cupped her face, staring down at her, his grip so tight it was almost as desperate as she felt. She could feel his heart beating against her nearly bare breasts, the rise of his chest as he breathed, the heat of his body warming the deathly chill from hers.

  For the first time in forever, she suddenly didn’t feel quite as alone.

  In her suffering, she had company. Someone who knew. Who understood. Who shared her pain. It had been so long since the dark cavern surrounding her heart had lessened, since she hadn’t felt consumed by the loneliness, but with Cort holding her…there was a flicker of light in the darkness trying to take her. “Cort—”

  He cleared his throat. “I gotta go check the chili.” He dropped his hands from her face and stood up to go, pulling away from her.

  Without his touch, the air felt cold and the anguish returned full force. Kaylie caught his arm. “Don’t go—” She stopped, not sure what to say, what to ask for. All she knew was that she didn’t want him to leave, and she didn’t want him to stop holding her.

  Cort turned back to her, and a muscle ticked in his cheek.

  For a moment, they simply stared at each other. She raised her arms. “Hold me,” she whispered. “Please.”

  He hesitated for a second, and then his hand snaked out and he shackled her wrist. He yanked once, and she tumbled into him. Their bodies smacked hard as he caught her around the waist, his hands hot on her bare back.

  She threw her arms around his neck and sagged into him. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her tightly against him. With only her bra and his T-shirt between them, the heat of his body was like a furnace, numbing her pain. His name slipped out in a whisper, and she pressed her cheek against his chest. She focused on his masculine scent. She took solace in the feel of another human’s touch, in the safety of being held in arms powerful enough to ward off the grief trying to overtake her.

  His hand tunneled in her hair, and he buried his face in the curve of her neck, his body shaking against hers.

  “Cort—” She started to lift her head to look at him, to see if he was crying, but he tightened his grip on her head, forcing her face back to his chest, refusing to allow her to look at him.

  Keeping her out.

  Isolating her.

  She realized he wasn’t a partner in her grief. She was alone, still alone, always alone.

  All the anguish came cascading back. Raw loneliness surged again, and she shoved away from him as sobs tore at her throat. She could
n’t deal with being held by him when the sense of intimacy was nothing but an illusion. “Leave me alone.”

  Kaylie whirled away from him, keeping her head ducked. She didn’t want to look at him. She needed space to find her equilibrium again and rebuild her foundation.

  “Damn it, Kaylie.” Cort grabbed her arm and spun her back toward him.

  She held up her hands to block him, her vision blurred by the tears streaming down her face. “Don’t—”

  His arms snapped around her and he hauled her against him even as she fought his grip. “No! Leave me alone—”

  His mouth descended on hers.

  Not a gentle kiss.

  A kiss of desperation and grief and need. Of the need to control something. Of raw human passion for life, for death, for the touch of another human being.

  And it broke her.

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  Clouds were thick in the sky, blocking the moon. The lake and the woods were dark, swallowing up light and life, like a soothing blanket of nothingness coating the night. Emma needed to get away from the world she didn’t belong to, the one that held no place for her. Tears were thick in her throat, her eyes stinging as she ran. The stones were wet from the rain earlier in the day, and the cool dampness sent chills through her.

  She reached the dock and leapt out onto the damp wood. Her foot slipped, and she yelped as she lost her balance—

  Strong hands shot out and grabbed her around the waist, catching her before she fell into the water. Shrieking in surprise, she jerked free, twisting out of range. The evasive move sent her off balance again, her feet went out from under her, and she was falling—

  And again, someone grabbed her. “Hey,” a low voice said. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

  Emma froze at the sound of the voice she knew so well, the one that had haunted her for so many sleepless nights. The voice she thought she’d never hear again, because he’d been gone for so long. “Harlan?”

  “Yeah.”

  Emma spun around in his grasp, and her breath caught as she saw his shadowed face. His eyes were dark and hooded in the filtered light, his cheek bones more prominent than they had been the last time she’d seen him. Heavy stubble framed his face, and his hair was long and ragged around the base of his neck. He was leaner than she remembered, but his muscles were more defined, straining at his tee shirt. He looked grungy and real, a man who lived by the earth every day of his life. He exuded pure strength and raw appeal that ignited something deep within her. She instinctively leaned toward him, into the strength that emanated from him. His hands felt hot and dangerous where they clasped her hips, but she had no urge to push him away.

  Damn him. After not seeing him for nearly a year, he still affected her beyond reason.

  “You’re back,” she managed.

  “Yeah.”

  Again, the one word answer. He had never said much more than that to her, but she’d seen him watching her intently on countless occasions, his piercing blue eyes roiling with so much unspoken emotion and turbulence. She managed a small smile, trying to hide the intensity of her reaction to seeing him. “Astrid didn’t mention you would be here.”

  “She doesn’t know.” Again, he fell silent, but he raised one hand and lifted a lock of her hair, thumbing it gently. “Like silk,” he said softly. “Just as I always thought it would feel.”

  Her heart began to pound now. There was no way to stop it, not when she was so close to him, not when she could feel his hands on her, a touch she’d craved since the first time she’d seen him. It had been two years ago, the day she’d walked back into her life in Birch Crossing. He had been leaning against the deli counter in Wright’s, his arms folded over his chest, his piercing blue eyes watching her so intently.

  And now he was here, in these woods, holding onto her.

  His grip was strong, but his touch was gentle in her hair as he filtered the strands through his fingers. “You’ve thought about my hair before?” she asked. Ridiculous question, but it tumbled out anyway. And she wanted to know. Had he really thought about her before? Was she not alone in the way her mind had wandered to him so many nights when she hadn’t been able to sleep?

  His gaze met hers, and for a second, heat seemed to explode between them. Then he dropped his hands and stepped back. The loss of his touch was like ice cold water drenching her, and she had to hug herself to keep from reaching out for him.

  “Tell Astrid I was here,” he said. “I’m leaving again—”

  “What?” She couldn’t hold back the protest. “Already? Why?”

  “I have a job.”

  That job. That mysterious job. He had never told Astrid, or anyone else in town, where he went when he disappeared. Sometimes, he was in town for months, playing at his real estate business, taking off for only a few days at a time. Other times, he was absent for longer. This last time, he’d been gone for almost a year, which was the longest that anyone could remember him being away. And he was leaving again already? “Astrid misses you,” Emma said quickly, instinctively trying to give him a reason not to disappear again. “You can’t leave without at least saying hi.”

  Harlan’s gaze flickered to the house, and his mouth tightened. He made no move to join the celebration, and suddenly she realized that he felt the same way she did about invading that happy little world. He didn’t belong to it any more than she did. Empathy tightened her chest, and she looked more carefully at the independent man who no one in town had ever been able to get close to. “You can stop by and see her tomorrow,” she said softly.

  He didn’t move, and he didn’t take his eyes off the house. “She’s happy? Jason’s good to her?”

  Emma nodded. “He treasures her. They’re so in love.” She couldn’t quite keep the ache out of her voice, and she saw Harlan look sharply at her.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked. “Why did you say it like that?”

  “No, no, they’re great. Really.” She swallowed and pulled back her shoulders, refusing to let herself yearn for that which she did not want or need in her life. “She would kill me if she found out I let you leave town without seeing her. How long until you have to go?”

  He shifted. “Forty-eight hours.” The confession was reluctant.

  “So, then, come back here tomorrow and see her,” she said, relief rushing through her at the idea that he wasn’t leaving town immediately. For at least two nights, she could sleep knowing that he was breathing the same air as she was.

  “No, not here.” He ran his hand through his hair, and she saw a dark bruise on the underside of his triceps. “You guys still go to Wright’s in the morning for coffee?”

  Emma’s heart fluttered at his question. For a man who had held himself aloof, he seemed endearingly aware of what his sister did every day…and he knew that she was always there as well. “Yes. We’ll be there at eight thirty.”

  He nodded. “Yeah, okay, I’ll try to make it then.” He glanced at her again, and just like before, heat seemed to rush through her—

  Then he turned away, stealing that warmth from her before she’d had time to finish savoring it. “No.” She grabbed his arm, her fingers sliding over his hard muscles. Shocked by the feel of his body beneath her palm, she jerked back, but not soon enough.

  He froze under her touch, sucking in his breath. Slowly, he turned his head to look back at her. “No?”

  “Don’t try to make it tomorrow morning,” she said quickly, trying to pretend her panic had been on Astrid’s behalf, not her own. “You have to make it. Astrid needs to see you. She wants you to meet Rosie. She’s happy, Harlan, but she needs her brother, too. Jason is her family, but so are you, and you know how she needs to be connected.”

  Harlan closed his eyes for a long moment, and she saw emotions warring within him. For a man so stoic and aloof, he was fermenting with emotions in a way that she’d never seen before. Sh
e looked again at the bruise on his arm. “Are you okay, Harlan? What happened while you were gone?” There was no way to keep the concern out of her voice, no way to hide that her heart ached at the thought of him being hurt.

  His eyes opened again. He said nothing, but he suddenly wrapped his hand around the back of her neck.

  She stiffened, her heart pounding as he drew her close to him. “What are you doing?”

  “I need this.” Then he captured her mouth with his.

  She had no time to be afraid, no time to fear. His kiss was too desperate for her to be afraid. It wasn’t a kiss to seduce or dominate. It was a burning, aching need for connection, for humanity, for something to chase away the darkness hunting him…everything she needed in a kiss as well.

  Her hands went instinctively to his chest, bracing, protecting, but at the same time, connecting. She kissed him back, needing the same touch that he did, desperate for that feeling of being wanted. She didn’t know this man, and yet, on some level, she’d known him for so long. She’d seen his torment, she’d felt his isolation, and she’d witnessed his unfailing need to protect Astrid, even if he had never inserted himself fully into her life.

  Somehow, Harlan’s kiss wasn’t a threat the way other men’s were. He was leaving town, so he was no more than a shadow that would ease into her life and then disappear. He wouldn’t try to take her, to trick her, to consume her. He wouldn’t make promises and then betray them. All he wanted was the same thing she did, a break from the isolation that locked him down, a fragile whisper of human connection to fill the gaping hole in his heart.

  “Emma!” Astrid’s voice rang out in the night, shattering the moment. “Are you out here?”

  Harlan broke the kiss, but he didn’t move away, keeping his lips against hers. One of his hands was tangled lightly in her hair, the other was locked around her waist. Somehow, he’d pulled them close, until her breasts were against his chest, their bodies melted together. It felt so right, but at the same time, a familiar anxiety began to build inside Emma at the intimacy.

  “Do not fear me, sweet Emma,” Harlan whispered against her lips. “I would only treasure what you give.”