Fairytale Not Required Page 22

  “I lost the baby.” Her voice was raw and harsh, as if she’d been crying, and his gut froze.

  “What?” He gripped the phone, sinking back down into a chair.

  “The baby. I lost it.”

  He bowed his head, and suddenly all the feelings of Lucas’s death came surging back. The loss. The grief. The guilt. The helplessness. He’d fucked up. He hadn’t supported Astrid enough. It was his fault. “Where are you?”

  “In Portland.” She sounded so exhausted and drained. “In a hospital.”

  “Where?” He leapt to his feet. “I’ll come see you—”

  “No, Jason. Don’t. You don’t have to anymore.”

  “Fuck that.” He ran toward the door, his heart racing as he fished his keys out of his pocket. “I’m coming. Are you okay? Are you in danger?”

  “I’m fine!” Tears thickened her voice. “Dammit, Jason, don’t you get it? I’m not the answer to the family you want. I’m not pregnant, and I don’t know that I’ll ever carry a baby to term. So leave me alone!” And then she hung up on him.

  What the hell? He leapt into his car and turned on the ignition as he redialed her.

  It went straight to voicemail.

  “Shit!” He slammed his fist on the steering wheel. “Astrid,” he said into the message. “Don’t shut me out. There’s no fucking way I’m letting you go through this alone. Call me!” He then hung up and called her three more times, leaving a message each time.

  He swore and backed up, swinging the car around to head to Portland while he dialed Harlan. Surely she would have called Harlan and told him where she was. Again, it went straight to voicemail.

  “Shit!” He swore as he peeled out, dialing Information. The moment someone answered, he said, “Connect me with a hospital in Portland. I don’t care which one.” He was going to call them all until he found the one Astrid was in.

  Anger and desperation tore through him as he sped down the road toward the highway. How could she shut him out like that? But even as he drove, he knew why. It was because she believed that their connection was about the baby, about his need to use her for healing.

  Shit, he’d blown it. How was he going to fix it?

  Chapter Eighteen

  “Where are you going to go?” Emma sat on the edge of Astrid’s hospital bed while Astrid got dressed.

  Her heart was so achy and empty. She felt so drained. Like she had nothing left. “I’m going to go to a town in northern Vermont. There’s a seasonal art gallery there that needs someone to run the desk for the summer. It’s a start.” She managed a smile, trying to feel optimistic about the phone call she had received this morning, offering her a job for the summer. “They said that if I could get their business online, then I could potentially have a job there all winter too.” Her experience with her own internet jewelry business had sealed the deal with the art gallery, because they wanted to expand into the online market. It felt good to know she had assets that others valued, but at the same time, she felt a strange emptiness at the idea of helping someone else’s dreams come true.

  Emma bit her lip. “Is that really what you want to do?”

  Astrid had to lean on the bed for support, her legs were shaking so badly. “I need to make a place for myself,” she said. “I need to start over.” She managed to get her shirt on, and then sat down heavily beside Emma. She was so tired of feeling weak. Her doctor had said that she was fine, but she couldn’t seem to find strength anymore. “Thanks for bringing my stuff.”

  At Astrid’s request, Emma had brought a few of Astrid’s most precious belongings with her: her lamp, her orchid and the clothes she’d already packed. She was leaving the jewelry supplies behind. It was time to move on.

  “I put them in your car in the hospital garage,” Emma sighed. “But you’re not really welcome. I wish you’d stay. You have friends in Birch Crossing, you know. A lot of us.”

  Astrid looked at Emma. “Did you have friends in New York? From when you were married.”

  Emma bit her lip. “A few.”

  “So, why didn’t you stay?” Astrid wanted Emma to understand, and to stop looking at Astrid like she was making the gravest mistake of her life. “Too many bad memories?”

  Emma shook her head. “No. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to stay. It was that I wanted to come home.”

  Astrid shrugged. “See, that’s what I want to do. I want to go to where I belong. Or, I want to find it.”

  “But you do belong here,” Emma said. “Why don’t you understand that?”

  Astrid shook her head. “I need to find my space,” she said quietly. “I just do.” She now understood why her mother had kept them on the run. It was easier to forget when she wasn’t surrounded by memories. It was easier to keep things bottled up if you never got close enough to anyone to feel things, or to experience emotions that hurt.

  Like with Jason. Like those moments where she’d dreamed that maybe there was a way for the magic to come true—

  “Astrid.” His low voice broke through her thoughts, and she sucked in her breath, leaping to her feet.

  There he was, in her doorway. He was unshaven, and he had dark circles beneath his eyes. His hair was a mess, and his tee shirt was half-tucked in. “Jason,” she whispered, her heart leaping. “Why did you come? How did you find me?”

  He didn’t answer. He just searched her face and his gaze scanned her body, coming to a rest on her belly. She instinctively covered her stomach, feeling raw and exposed, as if the one thing of value she could bring was gone. His gaze returned to her face. “You look like hell,” he said softly. “I don’t like that. You should be in bed.”

  She swallowed and lifted her chin. “I’m fine. I’m actually leaving the hospital now.” She gestured to Emma, who was still sitting beside her. “You remember Emma?”

  “Yeah.” He didn’t move, his gaze riveted on her face. “I need a dollar, Astrid. Can you give me one?”

  “A dollar?” She blinked. “Are you kidding?”

  “No. I need one.” His voice was urgent. “Give me a dollar. Now.”

  Astrid glanced at Emma, who shrugged. With a sigh, Astrid grabbed her wallet and handed him the dollar. His fingers brushed against hers, and electricity leapt through her. Dammit. How could she still be affected like that?

  “I need you to sign something,” he said, pulling a sheaf of papers from behind his back. He held out a pen. “Just sign at the tabs.”

  She frowned. “What is it?”

  He shook his head. “Sign it.”

  “Oh, no.” Emma stood up. “Don’t sign anything from him.”

  “Take it,” he said urgently. “Sign it. I already signed it.”

  Something in his eyes caught her attention, and Astrid took the papers. She glanced at them, and then her heart stuttered. “What is this?”

  “I’m selling the carriage house to you for a dollar.” He held out a pen. “It’s yours, Astrid.”

  She stared at him. “But I’m not pregnant.”

  “I know that.” Grief flickered in his eyes. “This isn’t about the baby. It’s about you. That place is your home and I don’t want you to ever have to worry about losing it. Sign the paper, Astrid. It’s yours.”

  Tears filled her eyes as she stared at him in disbelief. “I can’t take charity. It’s worth so much money.”

  “I don’t need the money, and it’s not charity.” He walked over to her and set the pen in her hand, his eyes blazing. “I need to do it for you. No strings. I’m not asking for anything from you in return. This is something I need to do. Let me do this for you.”

  “I don’t understand,” she whispered, clutching the paper to her chest. Her heart was pounding so fiercely. “Why would you do this?”

  “Because if you love something, you have to let it go. If it loves you, it will come back to you.”

  Her heart stopped. “What do you mean by that?” He couldn’t love her. That wasn’t what he meant. It couldn’t be what he meant. She had
nothing to offer him.

  He touched her face. “I’m freeing you, Astrid. You don’t need to rely on me or anyone else to have the home you deserve. You don’t need to be on the run anymore. You have the house.” He gestured at Emma. “You have the friends. You have the roots. You don’t need me for anything.” He smiled. “There’s no out in that contract,” he said. “There’s no way I can take it back. I want you free to be who you want to be.”

  “But why?”

  “Sign it.” He held out his pen. “No conditions. Just take it.”

  “Take it.” Emma nudged her. “Take the damn thing, Astrid. Don’t look back.”

  Astrid closed her eyes, fighting against the tears. How could she take a house from him? “I don’t understand.”

  “Sweetheart.”

  She opened her eyes to see Jason on one knee before her. Tears filled her eyes at the passion blazing in his eyes. “I’m doing this because I am hopelessly, desperately in love with you. I know you don’t believe anyone could love you, and I know that you’re afraid your need for a home and security will impair your ability to judge me objectively. So, I’m giving you that home, so that you can see me for who I am and not have it clouded with your dreams of the fairytale.” He smiled. “I hope you choose me, but if you don’t, that’s okay, because I’m doing this for you. Because sometimes, when you love something, the best thing you can do is offer them the world, without asking for anything back. I’ve never done that before, and I need to do it now. For you. For me.”

  Tears filled her eyes. “You love me,” she whispered.

  “Sign the damn paper,” he said gruffly. “Just take it.”

  “Do it,” Emma said.

  Astrid stared into Jason’s eyes, and in them, she saw something she’d never seen before. A fierce intensity and total confidence. Raw and untamed commitment to his choice. He was no longer the man who had fallen under the spell of a dream. He no longer simply saw her as a way to attain his fantasy. Now, there was hard reality in his eyes, but something else, too. Peace? Serenity? He had found his place.

  “Astrid,” he said. “I know you want a home. This is your chance. Are you too afraid to take it? Afraid that if you stay someplace long enough, that people will find out who you really are and then reject you?”

  She stiffened at his accusation. “I’m not—”

  “You don’t hide yourself as well as you think,” he said. “Stop running. Running is safe. The risky, bold move is to stay and admit you care, admit that people can hurt you, and give them the chance. Be brave, Astrid.”

  “Astrid?” The door opened and in walked Ralph. She hadn’t seen him since she’d left him in her mother’s room, crying by Rosie’s side. He looked old and tired, and her heart tightened for him. “Your mother wanted you to have this. I was supposed to track you down even if you didn’t want to be found, but you made it easy.” He held out the twin heart necklace Rosie had been wearing. “It was good to meet you,” he said quietly, touching her cheek. “You’re just like her, aren’t you? So beautiful. So scared.”

  “Scared?” Astrid stared at him in surprise. “My mother wasn’t scared.”

  Ralph laughed softly. “She was the most skittish woman I’ve ever met. It was no easy task to win her over. I’ve been after her since we were both sixteen.”

  Astrid stared at Ralph. “You knew my mom when she was sixteen?”

  “Damn straight. It took thirty years, but she finally got brave enough to let me catch her.” He winked. “Stay in touch, Astrid. It’s good to see her sparkle in your eyes.” He nodded then at Emma and Jason, but slipped out before introductions could be made.

  Astrid stared down at the necklace in her hand, and a sudden sense of determination swelled through her. Her mother had finally had the courage to stop running, and she’d found Ralph and true love. So maybe, it was time for Astrid to stop running as well, to accept all these olive branches offering her a home and friends and security.

  It was what she wanted with every fiber of her being. Relief and excitement rushed through her, and she grinned. “Okay.” Taking a deep breath, she took the pen and signed the documents. Her hand was shaking by the time she finished, but she couldn’t keep the grin off her face. “Thank you,” she said.

  Jason’s smile was even bigger. “No, thank you.” Then he caught the back of her neck, pulled her toward him, and kissed her.

  Before she could react, or kiss him back, he released her, took his set of copies, and walked out, leaving her behind.

  Astrid sank back onto the bed, staring after him in surprise. “He left?”

  “He sure did.” Emma grinned. “That’s the sign of true love, my friend!”

  “True love?” The words made Astrid shiver, both with longing and fear. “Why would he leave if he loved me?”

  Emma cocked her head. “Didn’t you hear him? He set you free. It’s up to you to come back to him. He’s given you everything you want, so that the only reason you’d come to him was if you loved him. He’s given you the chance to no longer look at him through the lens of fear.”

  “Oh. Wow.” Astrid traced her fingers over the documents with her name on it, giving her the first home she’d ever had. Jason had done that for her? It was extraordinary.

  “You do realize that you can’t leave town now, don’t you? Who will take care of your house?” Emma was beaming at her. “You’re trapped here, Astrid. Your life as a nomad is over. How does it feel?”

  Astrid looked down at the papers in her hand, still trying to grasp what had happened. “I’m not sure yet.”

  Emma raised her brows. “What are you going to do about Jason?”

  She looked at her friend and held out her hand. They both could see her hand was trembling. “I’m terrified,” she whispered.

  Emma’s face softened. “I know, babe. If anyone could understand how terrifying it would be to fall in love again, it’s me.” She put her arm around Astrid’s shoulder and squeezed. “Take your time, sweetie, until you’re sure. You owe that to yourself.”

  “I know.” Astrid fisted the necklace from her mother and thought of Ralph’s tears when he’d grieved the loss of her mother. “I know.”

  *

  She couldn’t get out of the car.

  For twenty minutes after Astrid drove up to the carriage house, her car full of the items Emma had brought to the hospital, all Astrid could do was simply sit in the driver’s seat and stare at the place that was hers.

  Hers.

  She sat in her car and looked at the red metal roof, designed to ensure the winter snow slid off it. She looked at the dark brown shingles, and how the rich colors varied according to how much sun and wind they’d gotten over the years. She basked in the overgrown gardens beneath the front windows, gardens that no one had tended to in far too long. They were her gardens. Hers. They needed love and care, which she could give to them.

  The lawn…oh…the tremendous lawn with its bare spots and dandelions was so incredible. She could do yoga by the lake in the grass at sunset. She could have the windows open all year long, and learn the sounds that the lake made depending on the season.

  She could become a horrible, evil person, and no one would ever be able to take it away from her. She could go completely broke, and no one would be able to take it away from her if she couldn’t pay rent. She could have a dog. A cat. Fifteen children. They would all have a place to live, forever, and ever. No one who entrusted their life to her would ever, ever, have to sleep in a car.

  “Oh, God.” Tears blurred her vision, and suddenly she didn’t want to be in her car anymore. She flung the door open, raced up the walkway and burst into the house. The sunlight drifted through the windows, making sunbeams across the living room. “I’m home,” she shouted, throwing her arms up to the sky. “It’s me!”

  Her shouts echoed through the high ceilings, repeating her words back to her, like the heavens themselves were affirming her words. It’s me. It’s me. It’s me.

  “H
oly cow.” She flopped down on the living room carpet and stared up at the ceiling, awed by the beautiful wood beams crisscrossing the white plaster. “How can this be mine?”

  No one answered her, but no one needed to.

  It was hers because a beautiful, amazing man had given her the one gift he knew she craved beyond anything. Security. Safety. Freedom to never be reliant on anyone again. Roots.

  Astrid closed her eyes, her heart filling with emotions at the thought of Jason. “Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you.”

  The house was silent, and as she lay there, the silence seemed to grow louder and louder. She heard the distant sound of Noah shouting, and the laugh of his grandmother. As she heard the sounds of family, a faint hint of loneliness began to squeeze into her sanctuary.

  The losses of the last few days began to press at her, and Astrid sat up, draping her arms over her knees. Her second chance at a child was gone. Her mother was dead. Jason had set her free, and he had no reason to want her now that she wasn’t pregnant. She bowed her head, the magnitude of her losses almost overwhelming.

  She had a home, finally. She had stability. She had security. But there was still a growing emptiness inside her. A restlessness. A fire beginning to grow, pushing her for more.

  A fire? The image of raging flames flashed through her mind, and she thought of the phoenix that she’d tried to draw so many times during her life, but had never been able to get right. She hadn’t even tried to draw in in almost two years, although she kept her sketches handy, hoping that someday, sometime, things would come together for her. And there, with her chest aching with both loneliness and pride, she knew what the problem with the phoenix had been.

  Energy surging through her, Astrid leapt to her feet and raced over to the table. This time, she didn’t bother with drawing it first. She opened the drawer on her apothecary cabinet and began to rifle through it to find the right pieces for her project. She knew what she needed to do. The image was so clear in her mind.

  She simply knew.