Darkness Seduced (Primal Heat Trilogy #2) (Order of the Blade) Page 8

  There was no battle to fight right now. It was over for the moment. Lily didn’t have to stay strong any more, and her heart knew it. Her eyes began to sting and she scrunched them shut, trying not to cry, afraid to let go and feel all the emotions she’d been holding at bay for so long.

  “I didn’t have space to pack dry clothes for me, and it wouldn’t have made sense for me to get in here wet,” Gideon said. “There’s nothing sexual about me being totally naked in a sleeping bag with you. Absolutely nothing.” But there was an undercurrent in his voice that made her snort.

  “Liar,” she managed to say, barely able to keep the tears out of her voice.

  “Yeah, okay, so I’m not exactly thinking saintly thoughts right now.” He laughed softly and tightened his arm around her, pulling her even more securely against his body. “But right now my biggest concern is making sure you actually survive.” He rested his cheek against her head. “How do you feel?”

  The concern in his voice plucked at her, and she felt her walls begin to crumble. “Exhausted.” Her voice broke, and she clamped her lips shut against a moan that echoed deep inside her as her anguish finally broke free. The hopelessness she’d been fighting for so long, the loneliness, the fear, and the uncertainty that she’d kept ratcheted down in order to survive— she couldn’t hold any of it back anymore. She pressed her palms to her eyes, trying to hold herself together.

  Gideon brushed his lips over her hair. “Let it go,” he whispered. “You don’t have to be strong anymore.”

  “God, yes, I do.” She shuddered as grief wracked her body, as the first tear burst free, trickling down her cheek. “I can’t fall apart,” she whispered. “If I do, I’ll never get it back.”

  Gideon nuzzled aside the hood of the sweatshirt and kissed the side of her neck. “Yeah, you will.”

  Tears spilled over as she wrapped her fingers around his wrists, holding him tight so he couldn’t let her go. “I can’t let Nate defeat me. Don’t you see? I have to be stronger than he is.”

  “You are. You survived. He didn’t. It’s over now, Lily. It’s over. You’re safe right now. I’ve got you. Stop fighting.”

  It’s over. The last of her walls shattered at his words, and the sobs burst free, as two years of fear, grief and loneliness poured out of her, raking her with pain, consuming her.

  Lily rocked back and forth as the sobs shook her. Through the tears, the pain, the debilitating exhaustion, she was so aware of Gideon’s arms tight around her, of his lips against her ear, whispering to her, soothing her. She didn’t even know what he said. It didn’t matter. The mere fact he was there was enough, and she latched onto his voice, drank in his reassurances, and cried until she was certain she’d never be able to stop.

  CHAPTER SIX

  It was hours until Gideon felt Lily finally relax against him, until the sobs quieted and her body stopped trembling. Her breathing evened out and he knew she had finally fallen asleep.

  He groaned softly and let his head drop to her shoulder, completely exhausted by her grief. Emotional turmoil so wasn’t his thing, but he had been unable and unwilling to shield himself when he’d realized she was crumbling. Her emotions had been so intense, so vibrant, so alive, and he’d felt like she’d thrust life into him, like she’d made his heart start beating.

  He’d swallowed her anguish, he’d bled for her pain, and he’d been consumed by a need to fill the gap in her soul and heal the wounds that were so open and raw. It had been more than Nate, more than her last two years. The damage to her soul ran far deeper than that, with roots that scattered in so many directions, pain that had cut so deeply that her only way to survive had been to shut it down, just like he did. There had been no healing for her, just survival, made more difficult by every day in Nate’s hell.

  Gideon wanted to heal her. He wanted to ease that pain and weave hope and peace back into her tattered being. He wanted to breathe and absorb every emotion she had, to let it fill him the way it filled her, to come alive for this woman he held in his arms.

  The minute her first tears had fallen, he’d been slammed with all her pain. Every last bit of it had crashed into his gut until he’d felt the tears glistening on his own cheeks. He didn’t know how to feel. He’d never allowed emotions into his life. But when Lily’s soul had crashed into his, it had felt incredible to be that alive.

  Gideon rolled onto his back and pulled her on top of him, letting his forearm rest against his forehead as he felt her warm breath on his throat. He ran his other hand over her back, needing to touch her, to hold her, to feel her. She had such courage and strength. Lily was a survivor, but at the same time, there was an enormous vulnerability within her that awakened every protective instinct he had.

  Like that moment when he’d lost her in the river…Shit. Gideon had never felt fear in his life. Fear was an emotion that had no place in a warrior’s existence. Fear had never even crossed his mind in five hundred years…until Lily had been wrenched out of his arms in the rapids. He’d felt like his own soul had just been ripped out of his body.

  He never should have lost his grip. For hell’s sake, he’d worn the float jacket so he wouldn’t have to think about anything but hanging onto her and keeping her from hitting the rocks, but he’d still lost her. What the hell?

  When they first hit the water, he’d thought he’d heard music. Not just music. Magical, surreal bells that had vibrated through his entire body and filled his mind with a chorus of music so beautiful he’d thought for a second that he’d finally made a fatal mistake and died. He’d never even understood the concept of beautiful before that moment. The word meant nothing to him, to the warrior who had one goal, and that was to fulfill his oath and do his job.

  And yet when he’d landed in the river, he had, for a split second, been cast into a place he’d never been in his life. The moment Gideon had heard that music, he knew he’d finally been shown what beautiful truly meant. He’d been so startled by the noise that shouldn’t have been there that he’d lost his concentration for a split second. It was in that instant that they’d collided with the rock and he’d lost his grip on Lily. That slight moment of distraction had nearly killed her, and he’d nearly lost his mind trying to get back to her.

  What the hell was wrong with him? Yeah, the Order needed Lily, but it had felt too fucking personal in the river when he’d lost her. And when he’d ripped off her blouse, he’d nearly gone to his knees at the sight of her body. Blue with cold, bruised, with cuts on her hands, he’d nearly tackled her right there, desperate to claim her and offer her his ability to heal. To nourish her body and spirit back to life, to feel her skin against his in the very personal, very private way of a man and a woman.

  “Fuck.” That was the talk of a Calydon who’d met his sheva, the one woman who was his true mate. Every Calydon was destined to meet his sheva and bond with her, singing poems of true love and eternal happiness, and of course, mind-blowing sex.

  But the minute they completed all the stages of the bond and sealed their fate, they were destined to destroy each other and everything they cared about. Both of them dead, utter destruction, no happy ending for anyone. The male would go rogue, and his woman would have to kill him to stop him, and then die herself. Destiny. Fate. Hell. Yeah, one couple seemed to have skated through, but that exception meant nothing, not when there were two thousand years of destiny winning.

  Of course, the couple would make it to the point of mutual destruction only if the Order didn’t find and kill them first, before they could complete the bond and bring down everyone around them. Preemptive strikes were part of the Order mission. Kill the warrior, not the woman, unless it was an Order member, in which case he was deemed too valuable to eliminate and his sheva would be the one to die.

  Yeah, he knew all about that fucking rule.

  Gideon tangled his fingers in Lily’s knotted hair, trying to work out the mats. She shifted against him, and her sweatshirt rode up beneath his hand. His thumb brushed against her
bare back and he felt his body harden instantly. He set his hands on her hips, drinking in the feel of her body in his grasp, as desire built inside him, a raging, powerful need that actually hurt it was so intense.

  He cursed and dropped his hands before he could do something he’d never do to a woman who was passed out from exhaustion, to a woman who’d summoned the internal strength to trust him when there was no trust left in her soul.

  His need for Lily was so beyond anything he’d ever felt before…it was too intense. Unnatural. Or was it? Maybe it wasn’t a big deal. He was a Calydon, after all, and Calydons had a thing for women. His need for her could simply be lust. Or it could be admiration for her strength, or even his Calydon instincts surging to the surface to protect an innocent in his care. She wasn’t his destiny, knocking at his door to bring utter destruction to both of them.

  He knew that, with absolute certainty, because there was no way she could be his sheva. He’d already met his sheva five hundred years ago, and she’d been killed by another Order member, per their oath. As much as Gideon wanted Lily, it didn’t mean a damn thing, no matter how intense it felt. She wasn’t his sheva, and anything else was something he could manage.

  He felt relief settle in his bones. Everything was under control.

  Gideon raised his hand to her hair again and fiddled with the tangled strands. He got one knot out and went to work on another, her damp hair so fragile in his callused fingers.

  She moved restlessly in her sleep, her knee falling against his groin in the most seductive of temptations. Lily sighed and nuzzled against his neck, and he turned his head to press his face into her cheek. Washed free of the mud and the blood, she had a scent of freshness, a delicate sweetness that teased him. It promised a tenderness and a softness that had never been a part of his life, that he’d never even thought about.

  He cursed and dropped his hand from her hair. What was he doing, thinking about emotions and beauty and tenderness? That wasn’t him, and it wasn’t acceptable. It would only weaken him, and he’d made a promise five hundred years ago. That promise went deeper than his oath to the Order. It had been a promise offered on the soul of the woman who’d died for him, and he would never do anything to violate that oath. Deviating from his role as a focused, cold warrior would compromise his ability to fulfill his promise.

  There was no room for the way he was reacting to Lily. He had to shut it down now—the emotional side that was. He had no chance of stopping his intense physical desire for her, nor would he try. She simply felt too damn good to him.

  But if anything happened with Lily…no, when, things became physical with Lily because he knew there was no other alternative, it would be sex only, no matter what her scent did to him. He wasn’t interested in anything more than that. Didn’t want it. Couldn’t afford it.

  None of them could.

  The clock was ticking even as she slept.

  *

  Lily woke to a feeling of warmth, of utter and complete security. Her body was completely relaxed as sleep began its slow retreat. It was a decadent luxury, the gift of peace. She smiled and snuggled more deeply into the heat, wanting to retreat into her dream, to this amazing, perfect place where she woke without fear.

  She tucked herself against her pillow and sighed happily…then she became gradually aware of the steady thump beneath her cheek. A heartbeat? Someone was lying next to her? She realized a heavy weight was draped over her, pinning her to the ground. A man. Crushing her. Trapping her. Awareness came screaming back to her, and she shot awake, panic surging through her. She grabbed for the arm, trying to get it off. It was too heavy. He was too strong. She clawed at it, fought, struggled. “Get off, get off, get off—”

  “Hey.” Strong hands cupped hers, lightly squeezing her fists. “It’s okay, Lily. Everything’s all right.”

  “It’s not all right!” She lurched upright, trying to get free. Her legs were tangled, caught. Her feet bound. She was tied up! Oh, dear God! Not again! A scream welled up in her chest, a scream of such true terror—

  “Lily!” Gideon was suddenly in front of her, his blue eyes full of concern as he held her shoulders, forcing her to face him. “Look at me. Look at me now!”

  She stared at him, trying to understand. “Gideon?” she whispered. She tentatively reached up and touched his face. His whiskers prickled against her fingers. He was real. He was there. Not Nate. Not those others— “It’s just you?”

  “Yeah, it’s me. Only me.” His grip on her shoulders softened, and he rubbed his hand down her arms. “It’s over, Lily. You’re not at Nate’s. You’re with me.”

  She let his deep voice fill her and resonate through her like a warm blanket of protective strength. His voice was steady and calm. Reassuring. It charged through her like the deep pulse of thunder. Lily drank it in, the sound of kindness, of safety, of a power meant to protect.

  “There you go.” He brushed her hair off her face, his touch tender and endearing, his brow furrowed with concern. “See me, not the monsters in your head. Do you see me?”

  She nodded and swallowed. It felt so good the way he was touching her. Gentle. Kind. Not a threat. Not a danger. His hair was flopped over his forehead, disheveled from sleep. He looked harmless and human. Not scary.

  “You with me?” he asked.

  She was. He’d brought her back. “Gideon.” She moaned and flopped back down on her back, pressing her hands to her face as she tried to regroup. “I’m so sorry about that.”

  “Hey, no problem.” He kept stroking her hair, and she didn’t pull away. It felt too good. “Women often react that way when they wake up in my bed. I’m used to it.”

  She snorted then pulled her hands down so she could look at him. His eyes were bright blue in the early morning light, studying her intensely. “When I woke up pinned down like that, it made me remember—” No, she didn’t want to remember.

  Anger flashed over Gideon’s face, but it was instantly contained. “It’s okay. I should have thought of that. My fault.”

  “Yours? Yeah, you should totally be prepared for me to become completely irrational and fall apart on you…” Her voice trailed off as she recalled the hours of tears she’d dumped on him last night. Where was the woman she used to be? The one who was methodical, orderly, and always in control. The one who didn’t dwell on what had happened to her when she was seventeen. The one who didn’t let Nate get to her. “Sorry about the meltdown last night.”

  “No, it’s fine.” Gideon shrugged it off, then and propped himself up on his elbow so he could look at her. She liked looking up at him, seeing him leaning over her, like he was her shield from the world. He made her feel small and feminine, but not in a vulnerable way. She felt cherished and protected, as if she didn’t have to be strong anymore. Not that she had a problem being strong—she liked it—but it felt good not to have to be strong.

  Gideon grinned. “It made me feel like a man to have you go all weepy on me. Feel free to stroke my ego anytime.”

  She almost laughed at the absurdity of his response, and her reaction startled her. When was the last time she’d laughed? She couldn’t even remember.

  Gideon shifted next to her and the silver sleeping bag slid down his hip, revealing a broad expanse of taut skin. She realized it had unzipped when she’d been panicking, revealing far more of Gideon that she’d been in any state to notice last night. Heat flared in her cheeks. “Are you still naked?”

  He grinned. “Hell, yeah. Wanna see?”

  “No.” But she couldn’t quite keep herself from sneaking a peek at his shoulders. They were heavily muscled, broad and entirely bare, and her body heated in response. Not just heat. A burning, calling, needing for him. For his touch, for his kisses, for his body to rub against hers, skin to skin—

  He leaned over her, his eyes a turbulent blue. “Liar,” he whispered.

  She tensed as his breath fluttered over her lips, clenching her fists against the compulsion to tangle her fingers in his hair and
tug him down to her.

  Her attraction to him was too intense, she realized suddenly, her body going cold with the shock of that comprehension.

  She should have realized it last night at Nate’s house, but she’d been too freaked out about everything. But now…it was so obvious. No wonder she’d been so certain he was her destruction. God, what an idiot she was! How could she have gotten herself in this situation? She couldn’t even get away from him, stuck in the desert like this… She’d spent her life preparing for this moment, but still been totally blind-sided by it!

  “Lily?” He touched her cheek. “Talk to me.”

  She met his gaze, her heart racing. “Aren’t you worried about being alone with me?”

  His eyebrows shot up, and for a moment he looked adorably confused. She would never have imagined Gideon Roarke with such a vulnerable, human expression on his face, but he looked ravishingly handsome with his hair disheveled, his body still relaxed from sleep, and those blue eyes uncertain. This was the side she never would have expected of this cold, deadly warrior, and it made her heart melt just a little bit.

  “Why would I be afraid of you?” he asked.

  She had to say it. Had to lay it out there. Now, before others from the Order came around. Now, while they still had a chance to fix it. “Because I might be your sheva.” Her heart was thundering when she said it. Dear God, even after preparing a lifetime for that possibility, to actually say those words was shocking. Scary. Exhilarating, which was of course, terrifying in itself.

  His face relaxed. “Oh, that.”

  “Yes, that. It’s a big deal, and that might explain why I can’t stop thinking about you…” Oy. She couldn’t even say it, unable to keep the worry out of her voice. “I’m too smart to be attracted to you, but I am. So much. I need you so badly…” She wet her lips as his eyes darkened with a sensual heat that burned deep inside her. “I’ve done my research. I know my need for you is beyond what’s natural. We’re…” She stumbled over the word. “I’m your sheva.”